losing me?

I think--I think when it's all over,

It just comes back in flashes, you know?

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.

It just all comes back. But he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said or anything he did,

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.

But I don't know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.

But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe he knew that when he saw me.

I guess I just lost my balance.

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.

It was losing me

i'm losing myself.

haha..i'm getting crazy.inside.

i really wanna cry hardly but then my mind stop me.

why should i cry for him?

maybe its not just about him

its the memories that tearing me apart.

the feelings he gave me is killing me

from inside and slowly..how do i find the cure?

wondering~~

pressure~~

sekarang minggu final.
tapi paper saya start 9hb, hbis 17hb..
lambat giler...huhuuuu..
sekarang xsihat.demam sket.
owh.bukan sebab study tapi sebab banyak sangat tido..huhu
xde mood nak study..

erm..regarding previous entry, mule2 rase tenang tapi rini suddenly lost.
saya send 1 msj pnjg gle kat die.
mntk maaf 4 everythng,halalkn mkn mnum n everything bla3...
xlme pastu rase lost giler.

ok.seriously i still missed him.
too much actually.
all this while xpernah couple lama macam dengan die.
barang2 die bagi seriously wat saya sedih.
xpernah sangka akan betol2 putus dengan die.
yela.i mean dah selesa dengan die,family die.
dah rapat sangat..macam family sendri.
maybe i miss kasih sayang family die yang xpernah anggap saya outsider.
in fact lagi banyak share masalah dengan ummi die dari my own family.
saya sangat rindu semua tu.

rase takut untuk hilang semua tu tapi memang saya dah hilang diorang pun...
sedih sangat.
maybe i need to take 1 step backward jugak dari this someone coz i'm totally not ready 4 anything.
i'm still thinking n missing my Mr K which i knew its totally wrong.
but how can i denied what my heart feel?
no one know how hard it is for me now..
my bestie ask me to do istikarah..
i think that will do..
semoga hati ku tenang menghadapi semua ini..aamiin3...

i'm not strong to face all this tests.but i still believe Allah is always with me... :)

first entry 2013

bertahta di hati-cover by shila


tadi layan video laen sebenarnya..
tengok shila cover aku yang tersakiti..
memang feeling gler die nyanyi...



sedih tetbe..huhuu..

ehh..ape sedih2 ni jannah?
its new year la..kena mulakan hidup baru,right?
so mari senyum ye..:)
neway,its officially more than 2 weeks since that day
n tipu giler kalo kate saya happy dengan pe yang jadi
after everything that i've sacrificed for him.
tapi dah tersurat ini yang akan jadi kan..
jadi saya kena terima dengan hati yang terbuka..:)

owh..final exam dah nak start tapi saya x get ready langsung lagi
asyik jalan2 jek..:p
so,mari start study..
study ke stado ek?hehe..
doakan kami semua ye...

p/s: start tahun baru je dah dapat dugaan..xpela.ujian kecik je ni..keep smiling yep... ;)

sayang- shae

Sayang apa khabar denganmu
Di sini ku merindukan kamu
Ku harap cintamu takkan berubah
Kerna di sini ku tetap untukmu

Sayang apa khabar denganmu
Cobalah kamu telepon diriku
Ku rindu dengar suara indahmu
Kerna dirimulah semangat hidupku

Sayang dengarlah permintaanku
Jangan ragukan cintaku
Sayang percayalah apa kataku
Kerna ku sayang kamu

Sayang dengarlah permintaanku
Jaga hatimu untukku
Sayang dengarlah bisikan hatiku
Kerna ku sayang kamu

Sayang dengarlah permintaan ku
Jangan ragukan cintaku
Sayang percayalah apa kataku
Kerna ku sayang kamu

Sayang dengarlah permintaan ku
Jaga hatimu untukku
Sayang dengarlah bisikan hatiku

Kerna ku sayang kamu

Jangan ragukan cintaku
Percaya sayangku
Jaga hatimu untukku
Ku menyayangimu
Semangat hidupku
Ku tetap untukmu
Cintaku selalu milikmu


p/s:- but i don't have u anymore... :| tough week,rough time,play hard, do it well jannah...

day oh day

result rejected.
kena tambah lab work last minute..
GC kesayangan habis gas.
lab assistant xde di saat2 ini..

what a day....TT___TT


hati gundah gulana.
si dia?unknown status....
:'(

family things?

eh3..lme jgak x membebel kat sini kan?hohoo..
impressed dengan diri sendiri sebab xpost or menaip ape2 yang merepek meraban kat sini di saat stress melampau2 melanda diri..:p
kenapa stress?
ntah la.FYP sangat menyeksa jiwa n raga.
hidup xmenentu.menumpang sana sini.
family pun saya dah susah nak jumpe.bukan susah tapi saya yang menyepi kan diri dari diorang.
so diorang akan assume saya ok.
memang la ok kan tapi still apart of me missing them damn much..
sape xsayang family derrr...
walau susah camne pun,teruk camne pun family tetap family kan..
even saya dah jumpe 1 family yang saya dah sayang n selesa, tapi still sayang saya kat my own family tetap lebih dari tu.
even saya xbalik jumpe sape2 or tengok my latest niece tapi still saya rindu n sayang sangat kat diorang..

i wish things are more simpler than these..
aamiin3..keep praying jannah.things will become better somehow n some other times.maybe just not now..:)

to my bestie, sorry for being like that just now.just don't have enough momentum to laugh like usual with u..:p will meet u some other times.thats our promise..:p

janji tinggal....??

sebelum cuti seminggu ritu (26th JUNE-3rd JULY 2012)
saya ade la mintak tolong dengan 2 orang ni.
ye memang benda tu bukan sepenuhnya milik saya sebab itu cume pinjaman.
tapi wat masa ni itu hak saya..
*eh3..siyes plak ayat kan..:p*

xdela.saya mintak tolong baek2 sebab saya nak guna.
bukan saya berjoli pun.tapi memang kena guna untuk macam2.
tu pun sem ni saya xde pegi jalan2 sangat.siyes banyak giler kurang nak banding dengan sem2 dulu.
kalo kuar pun mostly sume de kawan2 yang baek hati belanje bayar everything.
dah tu xkan setiap kali kuar kena mintak orang support kot.kang dari support de dapat pelempang.ye dok?
*ok emo lagi di situ*

ntah la.wat mase ni siyesly rase sangat3 la kecik hati dengan diorang.
tengok la tarikh cuti tu dengan kalendar sekarang.dah sebulan lebih kan.
mane janji diorang sebanyak 3 kali nak bagi tu?
habuk pun xde..siyes saya dah wat muke tembok giler2 hidup atas ihsan kawan2.
ye bukan semua wat perangai camtu.de je yang xlupe tanggungjawab setiap bulan kat saya.terima kasih banyak2.
tapi wat yang 2 orang ni,saya betul2 kecewa dengan perangai diorang.janji tinggal janji je...

xpela.ni ujian wat saya lagi tengah2 minggu exam ni.xpela terima jela kan.
tapi..
jangan salahkan saya kalo dah terbit rase benci n xde hati nak cakap baek2 dengan korang nanti.
jangan sampai saya langsung xnak tengok muke.jangan..
sebab tu akan menyebabkan saya jadi kurang ajar nanti.
tapi xpela kan.mungkin tu yang diorang nak sebab saya xcontact diorang macam dulu2.
bukan xnak contact tapi masa xmengizinkan.kalo contact just nak cari gaduh watpe betol x??
so xpela.saya dah mesej 3 kali dari semalam..kalo still mereka memilih nak mendiamkan diri,terpulang la kan..
Allah knows the best after all.so sabarlah hati.
wat jela muka tembok n hati kering dengan sume orang demi hidup tuk beberapa bulan ni je lagi..
walaupun dalam hati menangis xberhenti2 kan...:|

p/s: xbaek bersangka buruk kat orang tapi kalo dah tunggu sebulan lebih tapi still xde hasil,mane xpk bukan2 kan??

responsibility

i just got call from my sister.*sigh*
why eh some men nowadays do not know how to take responsibilities?
its your RESPONSIBILITY as a husband,father and brother ok.
why it is so hard to THINK before you act or make decisions?

i really don't understand you lah.
it give me headache when i heard about it.
i know i'm the youngest but still i got right to say it.
i don't mind if you want to call me 'kurang ajar' or what-so-ever lah.
all i want you to do right now,THINK about your wife,your CHILDS,your coming baby in few more weeks and also OUR SIBLINGS..!!
you're a family for so many years already so please do play your role in it..!

p/s:- when i'm typing in english it so meaning that i'm so angry/depressed/dissappointed.got it guy??

EDITED: i know nobody perfect and everyone made mistakes from time to time but be responsible for your mistakes and make an effort to made it up. don't blame others if they don't want to back home anymore after this not even for eid...*how i wish i could say this right to your face now*

mood: sentap

hurm.camne nak citer ek.sebenarnya starting 2-3hari lepas dah start rase down giler.
i mean dengan everything la.my life,my study n my everything.
tapi nak cite kat orang cam xpenting plus busy sangat banyak sangat keje kena wat.
tapi bile 2 hari ni dapat balik paper test.i was like jatuh terduduk bile cume 1 angka je.
then fikir2 balik.
for the whole semester which dah dapat balik dalam 6 test paper,2 je lulus.
paham x pe perasaan ini?
rase cam diri sangat bodoh cam langsung xbelajar.
memang saya ngaku saya xcukup lagi berusaha habis2an.
tapi saya dah cube ok.pakse diri study sampai tido pun ala2 je.xmacam saya yang normal la..
which saya yang xcukup tido adalah sangat horrible n terrible.
*sigh*

then test malam tadi pun same.memang bleh dpt 1 angka je lg..T___T
terus balik sangat depressed.
tak tau nak citer kat sape.then text someone.
pastu die call.actually memang xde niat nak kaco die pun since die nak final tadi.
tapi i don't have any other choice or someone else.
so biler saya xleh stop nangis die try cool me down.tapiiii.....
i was like xrase die cam bese since die macam bukan diri die yang selalu cheer me up n give me strength.
so xsengaje tgh nangis2 tertinggi kan nada sebab die senyap.
then die pun cam bengang terus die pun balas dengan nada yang sangat la menghiris hati..
*gosh.ingat balik terus rase nak nangis lagi*
pastu malas nak panjang cite saya suh die pegi group study die.

tapi pastu terus nangis lagi sorang2..T__T
pas few minutes,cuba cool downkan diri then pasang surah2 kat hp.dengar sampai tertido..
bangun kul 12 baru pegi mandi.

so hari ni memang xde mood sangat.plus de la few things jadi rase cam tensen giler dah..
sampai rase nak quit dah.seriously saya xpenah rase down sampai tahap ni..

tapi yang pasal someone tu,saya malas nak pk sangat.ikut hati nak text die jugak.tapi cam xtau nak cakap pe.
bukak gtalk tengok die elok je available.tapi die xtegur pun.
so i am assuming he is hating me right now..T__T
tapi malas nak kaco jugak.still cube assume die on9 wat keje.xtengok gtalk pun.

tapi baru jap ni saje bukak fb die.
and guess what someone tagged him in a album which stated it was taken in _ _ _ _.
i was like what??he went there on that day?really?
then terus sentap giler2..its ok la kalo die pegi pun.hak die.
tapiii...
when it was my time last time,he don't come.even i'm just here in shah alam.not that far pun..
plus that time we were more than friend.
*sigh*

xpela kan.maybe its right i'm better off from your life kot.
its ok.i'm loosing everyone pun right now..
just in case you read this,don't contact me.cause i dont want to contact u for a while which it won't be any problem to you.i know it.bye..

p/s: sorry sangat sedih la sem ni.sangat2..jangan amek peduli pun.cam bese la kan.no one bother pun..

hurt.totally

i don't know why but lately is totally my bad dayS.
yup.it DAYS.with 's'.
it shows that it more than 1 day..*sigh*

i'm hurt.
so much.

i'm so sad...:'((

to my bestie: if u read this,plz do cntact me on gtalk or fb only.
no phone call or sms plz..

sorry everyone.
i just need some times to cool down.

i need my rest.from everything.
bye..

someone like you-adele

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah 

bila saya gelak banyak sangat

semalam dalam class happy sangat merepek2 dengan kawan2.

pastu gelak sampai nangis2..

then pas maghrib schoolmates ajak makan malam ramai2 kat seksyen 7

lepak2 dengan diorang pun gelak sakan sangat sepanjang jumpe

pastu dah lambat tumpang tido umah raan.

pagi tadi patut de class QA tapi since bangun pun 8lebih and class 8.30,

memang tak pergi la jawabnye.

then things happened sebab saya tido balik bile die kejut suruh bangun pegi class.

memang tak setel.

saya plak rushing pergi siap2 nak pegi lab sebab nak kena prepare makanan untuk jamuan.

tengah bz2 tak de la terpikir sangat kan.

tapi hati still tak tenang.

then bile dah makan2 sume,jumpe Dr kena cakap sal akademik la kan.

hmmm...as in my older entry,my result drop like hell.*sigh*

so kena la menjawab sket2.tapi tak pe.Dr sangat la baek.

pastu balik bilik problem still tak setel2...:(

sampai saat ni pun still tak setel2 lagi..:((

ntah la..

saya dah pasrah dengan semua benda..

sabar jela jannah.

dugaan datang lagi..

oh.conclusion nye saya memang tak boleh happy sangat.

gelak banyak2.

end up jadi begini...*sigh*

if you love

i'm not an angel.

i'm just a normal girl with a very fragile heart.

i can't stand seeing other's suffering.

i just want YOU to be happy.

in order for that i sacrifice everything i could.

even when you chose her i still support you.

i still stand by your side.

the moments she left you and you ask me to accept you back,i did that.

over and over again.

but right now,i don't know if i can be that strong to accept you back after everything happened.

i'm learning to forgive you.

but i can never forget them.each and single thing of them.

hurm.i guessed it can never be smooth.

just too much of bumpy all the way..

whatever it is i still got Allah,family and friends..

:)

so just keep being strong dear..

none can replace it

actually this entry supposed to be typed and post yesterday.but since i got paper this evening,so i only do it now.

this is totally a regretful entry.so please don't read if you can't understand what i'm dealing at the moments.

ermm.while i studied this morning (5am),

i realized 1 thing...

well, i might forgot to tell that i lose my memory card.

which contains hundred of pictures.(could be more than that)

that was on few weeks back.

so i just ignore it since i got almost all those picture in my laptop.

even few were not here anymore.

but this morning i realized i lose the only 1 picture i had with someone.

i mean the only picture of me and her.

i know some might say,it just a picture.

but,tell me if that the only picture of you and your late mum,what would you do??

yes.that the only picture we had together.

i still can remember the night i took it with her.

it was few years back when my brother gave her that hp.

i asked her to try the camera together.

so i just snap it once at that time.

she was very hard to take picture with anyone.unless you forced her to do it.

that picture i never post anywhere as she doesn't wear scarf at that time.

i only made it as her contact photo.

but the day she passed away,i remove it because my brother in law called me using her number that day.

i can't stare at the picture so i just removed it.

then i totally forgot about it.

forgot to copy it to my laptop.

forgot to copy it to my new memory card.

so it just gone.

i checked back all my pictures in my laptop.

each folder.row by row.picture by picture.

but there no more that picture.

:'(

i had thousand more pictures but none can ever replace that one picture.

EVER.

well, i supposed today was my  worst day.

after realizing about the picture,i can't study anymore.

plus few minutes before i realized it,i saw few pictures of someone in FB.

he's celebrating his bestfriend's besday.

no.i'm not jealous.not because of that.but it hurt me as i thought he's not in malaysia.

i thought he fly to UK to meet his brother.

infact,he's just here.in SA..!

he promised me to come and meet me.but its already new year bro.but don't even tried to contact me.

not even in FB..i guess you just forgot about me and your promises.

*sigh*

today i really can't control myself.i ditched here and there.

i even dropped my iron till it broke.

my bag scratched as i lean on the wall.

i almost fall while walking in the exam hall.

and yes.i can't even answered my exam paper.

literally.i can't.

i thought my past papers should be the worst.but i'm mistaken.

today is my disaster day.

*sigh*

i'm sorry for typing this entry.

sorry to anyone who read this.

and sorry for not being a strong girl at all..

:'(

p/s: should i cry again?i need someone now..

wisdom tooth 2

ok.its getting worst.

i'm soooo hungry but i cant eat..!!

its worse than do not have money to buy food..

:'(

i feel like screaming but..

how can i scream as i can't even open my mouth bigger than 2 finger's width??

*eh..width lebar kan??confuse tetbe*

TT___TT

i want foods.

i want rice.

i want3...

ok.lets not think about food..huhu..

lets sleep so that i can forget about all those delicious foods..hopefully

wisdom tooth

wisdom tooth.

why you do this to me in such a crucial time?

i want to study for my final.

but i end up keep rubbing my cheek again and again

then,

fall asleep...

TT___TT

you give me this fever and all that aches on my body too...

great.

:(

i wanna be at home right now..

edited: bile bangun tido baru sedar salah letak word.it should be tooth.bukan teeth..silly me...=_=

feel like

tonight,i'm feeling like crying out loud.
too much tensed.
too much..
i don't know how to manage it at the moment.
can't study at all.
great.my test in just few more hours.
good job guy for making me like this...:(

y?

right now in my mind is why?

i can't say anything yet..

but all i knew is,its killing me..

now,what should i do?

22th feb

i had dream again in the morning..n ya as always it had sad ending..ppffft..

but then as always i text him telling about the craps.

then ya i had a very good time sms-ing with him all day long.

i guess i over happy today..

till i actually forgot the pain.n i did made a mistake.again..*sigh*

then juz half n hour ago i read few things.

suddenly it hurt.

so much as i had a very bad feeling now..tsk3.

heart.plz stop hoping.the wound gonna bleed again.

n this time its the worsened ever.it gonna ripped me apart..

goshh..

happiness never meant to be mine..:|

besfren?i wish i never..

tau x pe rse hlg seorg kwn baek?

tau x pe rse bile di lupekn cmtu je?

kenape sye hlg sume kwn baek sye?

SEMUA..!! phm x semua??

tau x sdh giler2

i lose safwan.

i lose lalink.

n now.i lose aizat n hus at the same time..

lg skt ble dpt tau yg sum1 yg sye dh aggp mcm abg sndri tetbe blah cmtu je.

dpt tau plak dr org laen.

yg die sndri jmpt tuk farewell party die.

tapi saye??

die sket pn xingt.

pdhal sye kt shah alm jugak..

org laen kt area shah alm yg die xpnh baek pn die jmpt.

ni tgk pic diorg lak.

sumpah sdh xingt..

dh la cuti ritu mak tye lg...

aizat pe cite skrg?sht?die kt ne?

tau x sye xtau nk ckp pe?tau x rse sdh gle bile jd cmni?

n now hus plak lgsg xpick up call.

then off hp trus.

kalaulh sye xpnh rapat ngan diorg,at least bile diorg wat cmni,blah cmtu je pn,xde la rse pape sgt..

maybe starting from now,i cant even use the word 'besfren' in my life anymore.

cause i dun have them anymore..

:(

p/s: its been a while since i'm typing with tears rolling down..seriously i've had too much bad things happened recently.i can't take it anymore.